1/4 Flower Buds
Hello, myself.
More than 5 months have passed since the last time I published my journal. There are a lot of things that have happened..alhamdulillah it leads me better. However, I’m gonna talk about turning 25 years old me.
Maybe the point I’m writing my journal is to share my experience — although most of the time when I’m emotionally affected daily or the huge problem that often came in my head. But I wrote with the solutions also, it just how I overcome it, or how I healed myself with that.
Five months have passed, and I became old and trying to be better.
After October’s journey has passed, I got problems which made me sad, I can’t express how sad I am every month, I prayed and du’a or asked Allah why I’m so depressed, and I searched on Google for activities that lead me to have an answer.
Things came one by one. The reasons for the sadness recalled all the pain of the past that I haven’t released yet — I don’t realize, it was still there in my brain.
When the rain hugged me, I finally have the encouragement to start again. I wrote this in December, but then five months have passed away because a lot of things have happened. Why home is so far away even though I’m inside my room?
I love to explore the meaning of ‘flower’ inside, so if reading all my writing, there are always flowers in it. Now, I want to talk about 1/4 flowers bud, another the meaning of flowers. I wrote because I want to become someone as beautiful as flowers, but I made mistakes a lot, so when I face reality I still hope I become a good person.
For about five months, I struggled a lot with my career, family, personal matters, love, and emotional intelligence. But, in other conditions I learnt lots of hikmah in Arabic meaning wisdom. Note that I used an email username because I like the library’s name in Dynasty Abbasiyah, the full of wisdom. Allah leads me to become better than I was before, not to refrain from the past. I learn to overcome my problem and focus to share any kind of wisdom that I get. I wish I could be a teacher, but eventually, I still had no experience yet, but I remember in my high school days, my friends are smart but I’m not really, what I want to do was just maintain Emotional Intelligent. That’s how I wish I could give what I’ve received in this journal. To share another intelligent, to be closer to Allah.
All the problems that occurred for me are because of nafs mean the soul, the sound in my heart, when it said the bad one because of the whisper of syaiton it could lead me into kind of sensitive, lazy, angry, despair, etc. The nafs are under my control. I could not be getting angry, I could hold my sensitive side, I could wake up and do activities, I could lead it into better one, but because I put the nafs in bad conditions first, then my mind, my days can be bad. I just realized it until Allah opened inside my heart, there’s a soul which is broken pieces because of trauma in the past which I thought I had recovered from. When I know what’s going on in my life, I felt calmness, peace, and all the similar words with that. You know, Allah is the one who could give that.
And everything just as simple as that, eventhough I struggled a lot before, but in the end I could just make everything to be close to Allah.
Like..why I’m not aware with this?
After I realized I prayed to Allah, in Islam means taubah, the first realizing my mistake from the deep of my heart, after that, I need to twist the bad condition into the good one, and do good deeds, everything I did just with Allah. I tried to remove one by one something that leads to bad nafs. How can I not be the one who’s grateful to Allah, because Allah gave me tons of wisdom since I was young? Allah wants me to learn first, then I could share it with the fullest of my heart.
If I compared it to a season, I was struggling in the cold wind of Autumn and Winter days. Now, I’m ready to bloom in the spring as I wrote the 1/4 flower buds. Now my actions are I want to help Islam, share about Islam, and everything about it.
