She is ignorant,
Blaming myself is the easiest thing for me. The feeling of isolation by own existence. My existence is I’m not an attentive person, I’m so cold-hearted, or just can’t express everything, can’t share, can’t talk properly, my friends said that I’m a tsundere, but I wrote this around June 9, 2022, “sometimes she shows like she ignorant, but that means she really cares”
I always love to write since I was a kid, I don’t even understand back then. When I had to write to occur my sleep problem, I still don’t understand how to express myself, but I keep writing. Sometimes I opened my folder and read all the files that I have written, I questioned myself “why did I write this?” but that’s 0 answer, I just keep writing. I used to write in my books then changed them to SMS messages saved them as a draft, and then changed them to email drafts, once I have a laptop I write on a laptop, then notes on the smartphone. That’s how the journey I went that I keep writing.
But what did I write? Most of them are my experience in life, I changed them into writing. The funny yet cute is I often express my warm-hearted side. Express the love that I have inside, express how to be loved, attention, caring life, or anything similar with that.
Day after day in October really difficult for me, maybe in the past I felt the difficulties, but what I feel since October come is feeling isolated. Like I’m not lonely, but I feel so empty. I’m not free but I do not feel so busy……just empty. Losing all motivation, I just want to sleep no other activities, I have no ambition or movement. It’s so sad to feel empty of my own existence although I never skip my responsibilities.
I need help actually, I need to curve my smile, I need to wake up, not only went to work and programming. I pray and I share my story that I lose my motivation. And maybe I’m so ignorant, I don’t understand how the answer to my prayer. When I woke up on Saturday morning, I still don’t realize anything, but I opened youtube and watched a cooking variety show. I’m scrolling from one video to another video. Then…I got the answer. I get it now. I watched another video and questioned how it feel. It amazes me that I smile brightly. You know, the answer is ‘love’. I want to express my love and to be loved.
Love is not an illusional or fictional feeling that I could ignore it away. I need the existence of love, being the donor of love or being loved. I never thought love will become something that I need to hold more which is could fill the emptiness of my bottle’s heart. Love inside deep my heart is deeper and bigger than I only keep inside, but I want to share it. You know honestly, I care. I care but I can’t show it because I think I don’t have the chance or the place. I don’t understand talking more attentive to my family rather than being cold and silent, I don’t understand gathering with my family and so on. So, that’s the reason I’m not a vocal person but I want to.
To be loved, I realize what I need to put inside my mind is Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى Ar-rahman and Ar-rahim (The Entirely Merciful and The Especially Merciful). The intense love that Rasulullah صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ give to his ummah is biggest than I could imagine.
So that’s the story in the October’s journey. Like the butterfly inside the photo I still searching for love among the vastness of this ocean.
